South Park: The Stick of Truth Part #29 - NWS - New Kid Came to the Stomach Dark

Part 29: NWS - New Kid Came to the Stomach Dark

JUST TO BE SAFE THIS UPDATE IS PRETTY NWS

Hello everyone. Today is going to be a long update. While I was capturing screenshots, I realized I could have easily cut this update in half with nothing being lost. But meh. Strap in folks, today is going to be another fun one with multiple boss fights.

To start off with, we have Craig.

: Come on! Now's our only chance!

: Ha ha! You're trapped! I am a level 14 thief AND the Dark Lord's chief assassin and you will all perish here and now!

: Douchebag, I'm stuck! Can you get me in?

: (turning a crank) My three nazi cow minions will take care of you!

: (still turning) I should've started this sooner.

: Hold on. It's almost there.

: You're gonna get it, Craig! Fucking traitor!

: This should even things up!

: Douchebag! Use Nagasaki to let Ike in!

: Hey no fair guys. I can't let this thing go. Just hold on til I'm done.

: You guys are dicks.

Video:

As far as I'm aware, after you drop the other two cow cages, there's nothing to do until Craig finishes turning the crank. The video above shows off the boss fight. It's a surprisingly long fight, too.

: Now let's see how you fare against the Dark Lord's chief assassin and a COW!

The alternate dialogue for not dropping the cows is barely changed. "...chief assassin and some cows." is it.

First things first, get rid of the cow(s). They suicide bomb you if you leave them alive, and that's damage you don't need.

On his first turn, Craig will use his Clone Army ability.

: Why fight one Craig when you can fight five?

Call it a hunch, but I don't think the Craig on the bottom is the real one. Oh, and ready for the real "fuck you" of the fight?

This is the area of effect for Pyre Ball. Yeah. It only affects a single Craig. Clyde gave him AOE immunity, and because he possesses the Stick of Truth...

: (idle) I'm immune to splash damage. Clyde said.

: (idle) You should've turned evil when you had a chance.

: (idle) Clyde had a much cooler base so I did what I had to do.

: (idle) Being a traitor is awesome. You guys are missing out.

: (idle) I really found myself relating to Clyde's views about darkness and enslaving the world.

: (attacking) Let's rumble.

: (when hit) C'mon.

: (when hit) Jerk.

: (when hit) (sobbing) Stop.

: (when hit) No more!

: (when hit) Quit it, quit it, quit it.

The dialogue below is said by the fake Craigs.

: Clyde has foretold us of your death. (during CRAIG fight)

: You picked the wrong team, kid.

: We serve a dark and terrible master.

: You cannot hope to defeat our dark Lord!

: You think you're hot shit, huh?

: (when hit) Fuck!

: (when dying) Fool...

The good news is that the clones will fall over to a stiff breeze. So you can whittle them down by just smacking them once.

Butters proves himself the real MVP of this fight.

It may appear that Craig is fucked here. He's got 5 stacks of bleeding and is by himself.

Nope. He uses Clone Army again, which wipes his debuffs.

This is honestly the closest we've been to a game over since the second update. Craig's clones hit really goddamn hard.

Craig here is channeling Death From Above. I've never seen it happen, but the game's wiki claims that he repeatedly backstabs you while using it, and that it will flat out kill you if you aren't shielded. Probably not something you want to connect, so...

We're so close to Clyde now. He's gotta be nearby.

: You got yours, Craig!

: You're our prisoner now, Craig. You're gonna be somebody's bitch for quite awhile...

: Phhm mph mph!

: Justice has been served unto you this day, Craig.

: I wrote a song about Craig. It's called "The Traitor Who Got His Ass Beat." It's a ma-madrigal.

: (enters and lowers ladder) Here, climb on up. C'mon, we're almost to Clyde!

Craig is holding the "add 100 fire damage on perfect attack" patch. I'll be taking that!

Up next to everyone is a treasure chest.

That's what I've been waiting for!

Heavily armored, and causes us to deal more damage with all melee attacks? Sign me up! Also it's about 10,000% less creepy than the Valkyrie outfit.

We're coming for you, Clyde.

Video:

: Dad? What the hell are you doing here?

There's something utterly hilarious about Clyde somehow recruiting Randy Marsh to be part of his dark army.

: Oh! It's my favorite kid!

: Listen, I found out what they were doing at the women's clinic! They were looking for a candidate to put a snuke into! They're going to nuke ALL OF SOUTH PARK!

: A snuke?

: You boys don't understand. They've put the snuke HERE.

: Who did?

: Whoever these people are CLAIMING to be Taco Bell! We should've known. We should have known Taco Bell is far too compassionate and caring to be so secretive. The quality of their character, like the quality of their food, should have never come into question.

: Dad, where is the woman with the snuke?

: They didn't put it in a woman.

: All I remember was that there were these big government guys, and they wrestled me to the floor at my house! And then I remember thinking, well this is fun, but wait, is that a thermonuclear device?

: I had some drinks so putting a thermonuclear device up my ass wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question... oh Jesus Christ, how long do I have?!

: We don't know, Mr. Slave, but it could be a matter of MINUTES.

: Well, what are you waiting for? Pull it out!

: No! We can't just pull it out! Snukes have triggers on them! We have to abort it -- from inside.

: Oh COME ON! Who knows how to do abortions AND can get really really small?

: Hmm... who? Who could POSSIBLY be able to make themselves tiny and know something about abortions! Ugh! Hmm, let's see...

: Who could there be?

: Hm... uhh, who could it be... ? Let me think...

: There's got to be someone.

: It seems like it'd be easy to find someone who could get small or could perform abortions but BOTH?

: It's on the tip of my tongue... nope.

: Hmm, can't be me. I'm pretty slender, but I've never done an abortion.

: It's like the answer's right in front of us, staring us in the face, but not saying a word.

So a few times in the thread, some of y'all have wondered with horror if we were going to venture up inside of someone's ass.

I have bad news for you.

: Oh, look! He's all small.

I want you all to look at the A button prompt. Yes, it's exactly what you think it is.

: Wow, this kid is just FULL of surprises! Quick! Get up there and disarm the snuke! Hurry!

: Oh, be careful. I might have also put some bats up there the other night.

: Dude, are we really gonna go up Slave's asshole?

: Aw, sick dude! Can't you pick somebody else to be your buddy?

: Dude, lame, how come I have to be your buddy right now?

: Oh man! It stinks like shit in here!

: I can't believe we are inside a real, live butthole.

: (Aw, man. It smells like shit in here!)

: Next time Mr. Slave subs in health class there better be some extra credit for this.

: I never thought I'd say this, but are you sure you don't want to take Cartman instead?

: And now we boldly go where many men have gone before.

: Mpppmhm, mphphphpm!

: What's that smell? Is it me?

So, welcome to Mr. Slave's ass.

What's that up ahead?

: New Kid, you must find a way out of this place or you will surely die.

: The way behind you is blocked by the large sphincter.

: Make haste to the large intestine! All will be made clear to you then!

: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead

: So journey onward New Kid or you will soon be dead

: The road ahead is full of danger and fright

: So push onward New Kid with all of your might.

: New Kid! New Kid, New Kid, New Kid!

Mr. Slave's ass is full of more destructables than any other area in the game. A lot of the time you'll be breaking semi-dried semen.

: Aah, that sticky stuff is gross.

: Dude, what's that sticky stuff?

: That sticky stuff is spooky.

: Gross!

: Dude, that's gross.

: Oh, sick!

There's also a surprising amount of stuff to see in here. A lot of bombs and pieces of the snuke, for instance.

There's even a condom.

Just past the condom we find the first enemy in here. Remember way back when we fought the bacteria in the school basement? These guys are less strong versions of that.

You know, it occurs to me that maybe it's not a great idea to set the inside of Mr. Slave's ass on fire.

Anyway, the half eaten ear of corn provides a handy ladder.

: Maybe someone with some water can help.

: (annoyed) Maybe SOMEONE with some water can help.

: I'm no help here, you need some water.

: Maybe someone with some water can help.

: It's worth a try. Sparky! (whistles) Here boy!

Stan has a lot of barriers that only he can break. I think he's easily tied with Butters in that regard.

: Aah, that sticky stuff is gross.

: Dude, that smells weird.

: It smells like bleach in here.

Popping the polyp I have targeted here will kill the nazi zombie bacteria. It will also make Mr. Slave exclaim...

: Jesus Christ!

That purple fringe looks familiar.

Oh hey, that's where Mr. Hat got to!

How did... you know what? Never mind.

Breaking the 10-ball with Nagasaki will not only clear the way, but it will also kill another group of nazi zombie bacteria.

We're an awfully long way up into Mr. Slave's ass. How did that iphone even get up this far?

The phone starts vibrating.

: (distantly) Oooh! Jesus!

: Hello? Hello? Slave honey? You better not be tied up somewhere you silly goose! Huh. Where is he?

You need to answer the phone to get Big Gay Al as a friend. You only have a few seconds to do so, so don't dawdle.

: I think you're super and I want everyone to know about it.

Just past the phone, we fight another nazi zombie bacteria. This one drops some items, however.

The fungus patch adds to gross damage, but I'm not entirely sure on how much.

There's something really wrong about being in all this knight armor and wielding a big pink dildo as a weapon.

: Huh. No power.

: Bad battery connection, maybe?

: Did you check the batteries?

: When my flashlight at home doesn't work, it's usually because I used up all the batteries telling myself ghost stories.

: Alright, let's test it.

: Okay, that should do it. Let's turn it on.

: Now, if only the flashlight was turned on, maybe we could see if that worked.

: Well, I bet that'll make the flashlight work! Try the button, New Kid!

: Ooh! Jesus Christ!

Just past the flashlight, there's a treasure chest.

The Ghost Pepper adds, I believe, an additional 25% damage to fire attacks. The condom?

Yay...?

Continuing on, climbing up the pink anal beads...

The game pauses here and autosaves. That can only mean one thing...

Video:

Boss fight in this video. This is the antepenultimate boss fight in the game.

: I am the Sparrow Prince. Like you, I was once used for pleasure as an anal plaything, and thus perished in this place.

: Now you must defeat my angry spirit in order to move forward. I know, I don't really sound that angry, but trust me, I am.

: (when hit) Ouch.

: (when hit) Hey.

: (when hit) My anger is greater now.

The Sparrow Prince can be a really hard boss fight. First off...

He summons two helpers. He only does this once, but these two are naturally nazi zombies.

Take them out quickly. Now, are you ready to see just why the Sparrow Prince can be a hard fight?

Look carefully at his health bar. What do you not see? Think about it while I destroy the remains of these two bacteria.

The most common attack the Sparrow Prince does is to summon two ghost birds to hit someone for moderate damage.

That's the bacteria corpses taken care of. I'm sure you've noticed the thing by now. Just in case, though...

The Sparrow Prince is completely immune to DOT effects. That means we can't cheese him by making him bleed out or even just set him on fire. We can't delay his actions with frost, and we can't even hurt him with gross damage. This boss fight is a slugfest, the likes of which we haven't had for a very long time.

This attack is his most dangerous one. He fires four times, and if you miss the block you take pretty hefty damage.

Look at how much health Douchebag lost between the two pictures.

It took a while of trading blows, but we eventually triumph!

: Well done, New Kid...

: You have proven yourself in combat, young anal plaything. You may journey forth. Find the snuke's trigger and save the outside world. Fare thee met and fare thee well.

Let's press on, shall we? I don't want to stay in this ass any longer than I have to.

...Again with the really weird fucking lines this game has me writing.

Rest well Sparrow Prince.

: Hey, is that Cartman's mom's?

: Hey, that looks like Cartman's mom's.

: Hey, I think that thing there belongs to Cartman's mom!

Is there an entire set of billiards balls up in here?

: We can't get by. There's too much shit here.

: We can't get by. There-there's too much shit here.

: Wuh-we can't get by. There's too much shit here.

How did an alien teleport probe even get up in here?

Thank god this bottlecap is here. Turn on the vibrator and...

: Ooooooooooooh! Jesus... Jesus Christ!

I don't think Liane is going to want her dildo back.

: (on left) [sigh] I didn't join the company for this.

: (on right) We've got our orders.

: (on left) Yeah but how come we always get the shit jobs? Go clean out the barracks. Go round up civilians in their homes. Go up a gay man's butthole and guard against intruders. Fuckin' sucks!

: Armed guards? What are they doing here?

: Whoever seeks to blow up the city clearly doesn't want anyone stopping them.

: You must get past them, New Kid. Go fuck em up.

: (attacking) Hey!

: (attacking) Target acquired.

: (beginning fight) In war there's always casualties.

: (beginning fight) I want this by the book.

: (idle) Hostile is taking his sweet time.

: (idle) So it's a stand-off.

: (when hit) Take cover!

: (when hit) I'm hit!

: (when hit) Medic!

: (when hit) Taking fire!

: (fleeing) Fall back!

: (fleeing) We're overrun!

: (dying) I knew this day would come.

: (dying) I'm so cold.

: (dying) I can see a light. It's beautiful.

: (dying) Tell my wife... I wasn't that into her.

: (dying) I-I can't feel my legs!

: (when you die) Tango down.

: (when you die) Threat eliminated.

You know what? I really don't feel like fighting these guys. So, are you all ready to see something utterly absurd?

Out of every screenshot in this LP, and out of everything that I've documented, this has to be the single most absurd image. We just summoned Mr. Slave, inside his own ass, to make one of these guards disappear into his ass.

There's an achievement for doing this.

This armor patch adds 40 points of armor to armor. Armor. Armor. Armor. ANYWAY...

Video:

This video covers until the end of the update. If you are able to, you really should watch it instead of reading on. Trust me, it's much funnier that way.